A Child On My Lap

It has been a long time since I posted on this blog. Life's challenges and succeeding events have kept me away... I was browsing through my journal and wanted to share this with you. After the many events of 2006/2007 which included many near miscarriages, I finally gave birth to Aidan, on January 2008. A year later, I wrote this.....

"My youngest on my lap, it is a quiet Sunday. He is watching his music DVD - The Singing Babies. He loves music!!! It enthralls him. The only time when he sits still is when I put the music on.

He claps his hands, smiles and he is content. What greater happiness is there than a child on your lap?"

Today is another Sunday. We spent it together just hanging out. In the afternoon we went to the park, walking hand in hand. We sat on the swing with him on my lap. In the midst of laughter, he stopped and he looked at me and then he whispered.... "I love you mummy....."

What greater happiness is there than a child on your lap?

Challenges and Staying Positive and Remembering Nanay

The last few months have been challenging is really an understatement. In November last year, I suffered a miscarriage. A month later, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and in April 1, 2007, she passed away.

I am sitting here, pregnant and at risk of losing my baby again. I could wail and cry and feel depressed. I could ask the universe why it seems to be conspiring against me, giving me one big blow after another. But that will not bring me any good.

Instead, I look back at the last few months and see blessings and gifts and learning experiences.

I believe that God decided to take my angel in Novemeber because he knew I needed to focus my time and energy in being with my mother. I have lived most of the last 9 years in a foreign land and see here once or twice a year. Losing my baby in November meant I managed to visit her as often as I could and spent the much needed time to allow me to say good bye.

In the process, I learned what I great person my mother was. I only knew her as a wife and mother. In the last few months of her life, I found out who she was as a person. A wonderful, generous, kind, caring strong leader. I found out, how she spent her own money to make sure that the farmer community she dearly loved will have a chance in court to fight for their land. I found out how well loved she was by her peers in church and even by her parish priest. I found out how forgiving and loving she was.

We had conversations about people who have done her wrong and showed me how she deals with the pain. She taught me forgiveness.

I saw the caring loving relationship she had with my dad. I knew that was hard earned. Theirs wasnt a perfect relationship and to see them towards the end with such tenderness, gave me the resolve to fight for my own relationship. I want what they had in the end - love, respect, tenderness and commitment.

In the end, I saw how many people came to say their goodbyes because one way or another, she has touched their hearts. And in her own way have made their lives better.

That is how life is be measuredm, by the number of good deeds done, by the number of people whom you loved and loved you in return, by the number of hearts that keeps your memory alive when you are gone.

I imagine that the amount of love she has experienced and given, created a super highway bringing her straight to heaven.

I love you Nanay, I miss you.